The Official Ulysses S. Grant Memorial Obama/McCain Debate Drinking Game

If centuries-old scurrilous rumors are to believed, President Ulysses S. Grant may or may not have signed a law mandating that 9pm debates on Friday night must be accompanied by a drinking game. In honor of one of the most underrated Presidents in our history, here is:

The Official Ulysses S. Grant Memorial Obama/McCain Debate Drinking Game

* * *

One drink:
- If both candidates show up
- Every time either candidate says "fannie"
- Every time either candidate says "George W. Bush"
- Every time McCain says "my friends"
- Every time Obama says "um" or "uh"
- Every time McCain says "reform"
- Every time Obama says "change"
- If commentators talk during the break about a candidate being "calm and collected"
- If either candidate says "That's a great question..."
- Any time the word "maverick" is heard
- Any time the phrase "same ol' failed policies" is heard

Two drinks:
- If McCain pretends to have a heart attack on stage
- If Obama lights up a cigarette on stage
- If McCain says something in Spanish
- If Obama says something in Indonesian
- If Obama answers "present" to a yes-or-no question
- If McCain answers a question before the moderator finishes asking it
- If either candidate mentions "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad" and "Mikheil Saakashvili" in the same sentence
- If either candidate mentions "Main Street" and "Wall Street" in the same sentence
- If Obama wears a flag pin
- If McCain wears a P.O.W. flag pin
- If the moderator asks the difference between "Sunni" and "Shiite"

Three Drinks:
- If the moderator asks the difference between "Hardees" and "Carls Jr."
- If three countries beginning with the letter "I" are mentioned in one answer
- If "tax cuts for the middle class" are promised by anyone, including the moderator
- If either candidate promises to change ocean levels upon their election
- If McCain pretends to favor border enforcement
- If Obama suggests the 2nd Amendment was intended to protect hunters
- If either candidate acknowledges the growing ninja menace
- If three countries ending in "-istan" are mentioned in one answer
- If Obama quotes Ronald Reagan
- If McCain quotes John F. Kennedy
- If Obama quotes Jesus

Finish your glass:
- If Obama claims to be Jesus
- If McCain claims to be Moses
- If Obama threatens to invade an ally
- If McCain threatens to punch the moderator
- If either candidate promises flying cars

Bonuses!
- Do a Jägerbomb every time "the surge" is mentioned
- Shot of vodka every time Russia or Georgia are mentioned
- Shot of bourbon every time ethanol is mentioned
- Shot of tequila every time immigration or Mexico are mentioned
- Shot of rum every time hurricanes are mentioned
- Shot of scotch if the disembodied ghost of Ulysses S. Grant makes an appearance
- Shot of your own wretched tears when the debate ends and you realize that one of these two clowns is going to be the next President




*NOTE: RHOG does not condone reckless behavior. Please drink responsibly, you filthy lushes. Please vote responsibly, too. Not that it'll do any good, but just on the principle of the thing.