Dear Zarqawi: The Jig Is Up

U.S. forces intercepted a letter from Ayman al-Zawahiri (Al Qaeda #2, after Bin Laden, their version of Howard Dean) written to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi (head of Al Qaeda in Iraq, their version of Harry Reid). Supposedly, it's been translated into English, but it must have been translated by someone whose only familiarity with English was the King James Bible, judging from all the "blessings be upon him" talk. So, I'll put my Bible-thumping skills to the task and interpret the relevant portions of the letter for you. So just you sit back and get comfy, because that Zawahiri is a long-winded bugger:

The gracious brother/Abu Musab, God protect him and watch over him, may His religion, and His Book and the Sunna of His Prophet @ aid him, I ask the Almighty that he bless him, us, and all Muslims, with His divine aid, His clear victory, and His release from suffering be close at hand.

Translation: Dear Abu Musab, have you heard from Allah lately? Me neither. This could be a problem.

1-Dear brother, God Almighty knows how much I miss meeting with you, how much I long to join you in your historic battle against the greatest of criminals and apostates in the heart of the Islamic world, the field where epic and major battles in the history of Islam were fought.

You are the next in a long line of epic battles, like Cunaxa, Gaugamela, Antioch, and now Fallujah! Granted, we lost every single one of them to the infidel crusaders, but don't lose heart. They were still epic, by the beard of the prophet! Oliver Stone even made a movie about one of them!

I think that if I could find a way to you, I would not delay a day, God willing.

I've been laying in a muddy ditch for the last two days. It sucks. There's some Americans in a Humvee about 20 yards away, and they're just sitting there! Worst. Timing. Ever.

My dear brother, we are following your news, despite the difficulty and hardship.

TV access is scarce around here, and usually everyone is watching this "Lost" show, about some infidels who crashed their plane and somehow missed the skyscraper.

Likewise, I showed my support for your noble initiative to join with your brothers, during a prior speech I sent to the brothers a number of months ago, but the brothers' circumstances prevented its publication.

I searched the crater for an hour, but I could not find any remains larger than a finger.

I want to reassure you about our situation. The summer started hot with operations escalating in Afghanistan. The enemy struck a blow against us with the arrest of Abu al-Faraj, may God break his bonds. However, no Arab brother was arrested because of him. The brothers tried-and were successful to a great degree-to contain the fall of Abu al-Faraj as much as they could.

Only five of them even cried this time.

However, the real danger comes from the agent Pakistani army that is carrying out operations in the tribal areas looking for mujahedeen.

For one thing, their food makes my eyes water. Whats the deal there? Haven't they heard of "nuanced flavours?" Hey, habib! Lay off the curry for once! Try some rosemary!

I want to keep corresponding with you about the details of what is going on in dear Iraq, especially since we do not know the full truth as you know it.

But we do know you're lying about driving the Americans "back across the Nile." Do not trifle with us, or so help me, when I get out of this ditch and somehow cross thousands of miles of wilderness full of hostile militaries, I will make you regret it.

Therefore, I want you to explain to me your situation in a little detail, especially in regards to the political angle.

Specifically, would you like to explain to me why you are letting the Iraqis write their own Constitution?!? Come on, man!

I want you to express to me what is on your mind in regards to what is on my mind in the way of questions and inquiries.

No, I'm serious. What is going through your sand-filled, flea-ridden, camel-stinking brain?

It has always been my belief that the victory of Islam will never take place until a Muslim state is established in the manner of the Prophet in the heart of the Islamic world, specifically in the Levant, Egypt, and the neighboring states of the Peninsula and Iraq; however, the center would be in the Levant and Egypt.

Actually, we had this at multiple times in the past 1,400 years or so, so my argument goes right out the window. Nevermind.

This is my opinion, which I do not preach as infallibile, but I have reviewed historical events and the behavior of the enemies of Islam themselves, and they did not establish Israel in this triangle surrounded by Egypt and Syria and overlooking the Hijaz except for their own interests.

Oh, and I guess because it was there long before we ever showed up. Whatev.

As for the battles that are going on in the far-flung regions of the Islamic world, such as Chechnya, Afghanistan, Kashmir, and Bosnia, they are just the groundwork and the vanguard for the major battles which have begun in the heart of the Islamic world. We ask God that He send down his victory upon us that he promised to his faithful worshipers.

Cuz right now we're getting our arses whipped.

He has, in addition to that, granted you superiority over the idolatrous infidels, traitorous apostates, and those turncoat deviants.

And by "superiority," I mean, "a large bounty on your head."

God also blessed you not only with the splendor of the spearhead of Jihad.

Second only to the Spear of Destiny (I am ashamed to admit).

So we must think for a long time about our next steps and how we want to attain it, and it is my humble opinion that the Jihad in Iraq requires several incremental goals:

The first stage: Expel the Americans from Iraq.

Err... On second thought, let's just skip that stage.

The second stage: Establish an Islamic authority or emirate, then develop it and support it until it achieves the level of a caliphate- over as much territory as you can

Which, at this point, is that dank basement where you are hiding out, licking up the bread crumbs that filter down through the floorboards.

There is no doubt that this emirate will enter into a fierce struggle with the foreign infidel forces

Over broadcasting rights for the NCAA Final Four in the Middle East, primarily. It will be fierce, though!

My raising this idea-I don't claim that it's infallible-

Because, really, laying in this muddy ditch, how credible am I, anyway?

If we look at the two short-term goals, which are removing the Americans and establishing an Islamic amirate in Iraq, or a caliphate if possible, then, we will see that the strongest weapon which the mujahedeen enjoy - after the help and granting of success by God - is popular support from the Muslim masses in Iraq, and the surrounding Muslim countries.

But not only the Muslim masses, but also the American massive, Michael Moore.

The Muslim masses-for many reasons, and this is not the place to discuss it-do not rally except against an outside occupying enemy, especially if the enemy is firstly Jewish, and secondly American.

I dare not say any more, for fear of RHOG.

The matter of preparing for the aftermath of the exit of the Americans: The Americans will exit soon, God willing.

Because if they don't, we're up you-know-what creek without a paddle.

Things may develop faster than we imagine. The aftermath of the collapse of American power in Vietnam -and how they ran and left their agents- is noteworthy.

Of course, let's be honest, my brother - this is nothing like Vietnam. Peeking my head out of this ditch, I can see one tree, and then nothing but rock. And, of course, those accursed infidel Americans. They're playing Texas Hold 'Em now. By Allah, I love that game.

You and your brothers must strive to have around you circles of support, assistance, and cooperation, and through them, to advance until you become a consensus, entity, organization, or association that represents all the honorable people and the loyal folks in Iraq.

I hear that people like Bush because he uses the word "folks." I am trying to incorporate it into my vocabulary.

From the standpoint of not highlighting the doctrinal differences which the masses do not understand, such as this one is Matridi or this one is Ashari or this one is Salafi...

Okay, now I'm just making up words. Hahaha! Had you going there, didn't I, ol' Zarqy boy?

I do not know the details of the situation where you are, but I do not want us to repeat the mistake of Jamil al-Rahman~, who was killed and whose organization was shattered, because he neglected the realities on the ground.

Reality #1: No one goes up against the Americans and lives to tell about it.
Reality #2: That includes us.
Reality #3: Which makes us clinically insane, I suppose.

The position on the Shia:

This subject is complicated and detailed.

Kill them all. But later.

I have brought it up here so as not to address the general public on something they do not know.

I pray to Allah that this letter will not get leaked to every major news organization on the planet.

I assert here that any rational person understands with ease that the Shia cooperated in the overthrow of Saddam and the occupation of Iraq in exchange for the Shia's assumption of power and their turning a blind eye to the American military presence in Iraq. This is clear to everybody who has two eyes.

Ever since that crazy old Muqtar lost his eye fighting the infidel Australians, he says it's not that clear anymore. But then again, ever since we found him early one morning up in the goat pasture in his birthday suit, I've suspected he has a few screws loose.

Many of your Muslim admirers amongst the common folk are wondering about your attacks on the Shia. The sharpness of this questioning increases when the attacks are on one of their mosques, and it increases more when the attacks are on the mausoleum of Imam Ali Bin Abi Talib, may God honor him. My opinion is that this matter won't be acceptable to the Muslim populace however much you have tried to explain it, and aversion to this will continue.

Let me cut to the chase: Why are you blowing up Muslim women and children when there are a hundred thousand Americans cruising up and down the boulevard every day? You disgust me. Wuss.

And if the attacks on Shia leaders were necessary to put a stop to their plans, then why were there attacks on ordinary Shia?

That's what we get, I suppose, for leaving a Jordanian to get things done...

And can the mujahedeen kill all of the Shia in Iraq? Has any Islamic state in history ever tried that?

Well, yes, I suppose we could be the first to try... But still...

And do the brothers forget that we have more than one hundred prisoners - many of whom are from the leadership who are wanted in their countries - in the custody of the Iranians?

The dastardly mullahs captured all of our suicide bombers to pilot their primitive nuclear missles!

As the English proverb says, the person who is standing among the leaves of the tree might not see the tree.

Or something like that. Please don't look it up. I wish to heaven that I could quote a Muslim proverb, but the best we have is: "Do not approach the billy goat from the pointy end."

One of the most important factors of success is that you don't let your eyes lose sight of the target, and that it should stand before you always. Otherwise you deviate from the general line through a policy of reaction. And this is a lifetime's experience, and I will not conceal from you the fact that we suffered a lot through following this policy of reaction, then we suffered a lot another time because we tried to return to the original line.

When you get right down to it, really, we suffer a lot no matter what we do.

Among the things which the feelings of the Muslim populace who love and support you will never find palatable - also- are the scenes of slaughtering the hostages.

Yo. Dude. What's with the beheadings? That's just sick.

That the author of these lines...

(That's me.)

...has tasted the bitterness of American brutality, and that my favorite wife's chest was crushed by a concrete ceiling and she went on calling for aid to lift the stone block off her chest until she breathed her last.

If she didn't nag me so much, then maybe I wouldn't have been out with the other wives, helping them shop for new burquas!

As for my young daughter, she was afflicted by a cerebral hemorrhage, and she continued for a whole day suffering in pain until she expired.

So stop sending her love notes! That's just sick. Pervert!

And to this day I do not know the location of the graves of my wife, my son, my daughter, and the rest of the three other families who were martyred in the incident and who were pulverized by the concrete ceiling, may God have mercy on them and the Muslim martyrs. Were they brought out of the rubble, or are they still buried beneath it to this day?

If I wasn't stoned out of my mind on that crazy hashish, I probably would have a better notion, it's true. It probably didn't help that I gave them all AK-47s and told them to "shoot at anything that isn't camel-powered." Alas, the windmill-keeper put up a stiff fight...

However, despite all of this, I say to you: that we are in a battle, and that more than half of this battle is taking place in the battlefield of the media.

Specifically, Ted Turner owns 51% of the movie rights.

However far our capabilities reach, they will never be equal to one thousandth of the capabilities of the kingdom of Satan that is waging war on us.

Ha! Did you like that? Pretty clever, wasn't it? See how I compared Bush to Satan without actually saying it? I bet I could be a regular contributer on DailyKos and no one would know the difference.

I have a definite desire to travel to you but I do not know whether that is possible from the standpoint of traveling and getting settled, so please let me know.

For crying out loud, I don't know if I'm ever gonna get out of this ditch! One of the infidel Americans just peed upstream, and it's starting to trickle down my back! If he only comes a little closer... bah! He's walking away. My sweet martyrdom will have to wait...

Please take every caution in the meetings, especially when someone claims to carry an important letter or contributions. It was in this way that they arrested Khalid Sheikh.

That's like the freakin' oldest trick in the book, dude!

Likewise, please, if you want to meet one of your assistants, I hope that you don't meet him in a public place or in a place that is not known to you. I hope that you would meet him in a secure place, not the place of your residence. Because Abu al-Faraj - may God set him free and release him from his torment - was lured by one of his brothers, who had been taken into custody, to meet him at a public location where a trap had been set.

Can I just say how sick and tired I am of working with you incompetant numbskulls? Some days I actually look forward to turning on Al-Jazeera and seeing that you've all got a one-way ticket to Club Gitmo. Then I can go home and work on my memoirs.

Because of this, we need a payment while new lines are being opened. So, if you're capable of sending a payment of approximately one hundred thousand, we'll be very grateful to you.

And don't send a hundred thousand pesos like last time, smart alec. I could barely buy a frickin' Chalupa!

The subject of the Algerian brothers at our end, there are fears from the previous experiences, so if you're able to get in touch with them and notify us of the details from them, we would be very grateful to you.

So... I know you can't leave your basement, and Algeria is on, like, the other side of the planet, but God knows I'm not getting out of this ditch anytime soon, so you may as well give it a shot.

I have also had fifteen audio statements published and six others that were not published for one reason or another.

Al-Jazeera is charging an arm and a leg for commercials these days! Who do they think they are? CBS?

I will enclose for you the written statements and what I can of the audio and video statements with this message, God willing. If you find they are good, you can publish them.

We need to get on this "podcasting" thing while it's still hot.

I don't know if you all have contact with Abu Rasmi? Even if it is via the Internet, because I gave him a copy of my book ("A Knight under the banner of the Prophet") so he could attempt to publish it, and I lost the original.

Well, actually the Americans took it. Alas that our culture will not invent the dewey decimal system for another thousand years, or I would totally visit the Jihad of Overdue Book Library Fines upon them!

So if you can contact him and get the original of the book, if that is possible for you all, then you can publish it on your blessed website and then send a copy to us, if that is possible.

I know there's a lot of "if" in this letter. Please do not be alarmed.

As for my personal condition, I am in good health, blessings and wellness thanks to God and His grace. I am only lacking your pious prayers, in which I beg you not to forget me.

Seriously. Don't forget me. Cuz the Americans are setting up their tents, and I have a feeling I'm gonna be in this ditch for a while...

Your loving brother

Abu Muhammad
Saturday, 02 Jumada al-Thani, 1426 - 09 July, 2005.

P.S. Fail me again and I'll... well, I can't really do anything. I hate you.



(I told you it was long! Suckers!)