Bush's Poll Numbers Directly Tied to Lack of Initiative on Flying Cars

Well, the buzz today seems to be all about the latest AP poll that shows increasingly low levels of approval for President Bush. Now, don't get me wrong, although I am a fan of the President, he's been pretty disappointing in a few key arenas. It's not the things he has done that bother me, but rather the things he hasn't.

As I write this, President Bush still has not commenced construction on the Greater Wall of Grim, an idea I introduced nearly a month ago. Why the holdup? In addition, he is obsessed with Social Security reform, which is important, but nowhere near as important as the more crucial goal of tax reform itself (by which I mean burning the IRS to the ground, nuking it for good measure, and then sowing the soil with salt so that the indigenous tribes of bureaucrats can no longer grow crops). Finally, I am severely disappointed that the United Nations has avoided punishment for it's crimes against humanity (the greatest of which is forcing soldiers to wear baby-blue helmets).

I mean think about it, when you're going into battle peacekeeping, do you want to be respected like the U.S. Military is, as a bunch of rough rider G.I. Joes with big guns and bigger firearms? Or would you rather be seen as a bunch of Smurf wannabes?

And did I seriously just pull off a foreign policy analogy utilizing 80s cartoons? In fact I did. Yessss... I am so freakin' awesome.

But I digress. Despite all the things that President George W. Bush has not accomplished, there is one omission that is grievous beyond all the rest, and I am convinced that it is the source of the slipping poll numbers: Bush has not taken any initiative on flying cars. This is what people care about. Activist judges, abortion, tax cuts, stem cells, WMDs, gay marriage, securing the border - these are all fine and dandy, but they pale in comparison to the horrific lack of flying cars whisking through our skies.

Besides, the potential benefits would offset the considerable cost... We would no longer need roads (although parking lots would still be a necessity) and we could pull them all up, leaving only the famous ones like Route 66, the Jersey Turnpike, Lakeshore Drive in Chicago, and the Yellow Brick Road. Did you know roads cover nearly 2% of the land area of the United States? If we removed the roads and reseeded them with forests (which cover between 40% and 60%), we could placate the hippies while at the same time creating a nice secluded place to bury their bodies and fertilize their precious trees!

Also, traffic congestion would be greatly reduced. Instead of everyone in the country puttering down those 2% ribbons of asphalt behind some old granny who keeps slowing down every time she spots a yardsale, we could be zipping around like Han Solo in the asteroid field! I don't think I need to point out how awesome that would be. Especially when us gun-toting Republicans decide to modify our flying cars with stealth technology and Air-to-Air missiles/lasers.

Instead of using the old-fashioned binary system, where slower traffic goes on the right and faster traffic on the left, we could have an altitude system. Anyone who is going to go excessively slow (people on their cell phones, the elderly, large cargo trucks, and those jerks who think they are the speed police for everyone else) will have to stay at low altitudes, say less than 1000 feet. People who want to just cruise at a relatively normal pace (like the average person who is not a jerk) can be between 1000 and 3000 feet. And then those of us who are comfortable traveling at high velocities and high altitudes (like all real men, of whom I am chief) can have the rest of the sky to ourselves, for zipping around and shooting each other and stuff, then speeding away laughing and shaking our fists out the window at each other.

Wake up, America! For too long have we traveled in two paltry dimensions of length and width! It's time to transcend travel and move to the third dimension! We have only our fear holding us to the ground (as well as a healthy amount of gravity, but that's a trivial problem)... Ask yourself: do you want to live in a world where flying cars do not exist? I know I sure don't.

And naturally, when this is acheived, those scientists better get hard to work on the teleportation technology, too... I, your fearless and visionary leader, Grim, have predicted this. So be it!